Yes. I want there. Now forget that I’m a musician for a while. Forget that I’m a writer of little to none fame too. You cannot deny the fact that I am an educated human with capabilities of data analysis and thought generation… And ofcource ears. So proudly wearing the ‘audience’ cap of honour… Here are 5 reasons why ‘stairway to heaven’ ( the song by Led zeppelin composed by guitarist Jimmy Page and vocalist Robert Plant . Not a literal staircase. You moron) IS LYRICALLY STUPID.
Reason 1. You don’t know what the hell he is talking about.
No. Don’t say you do. You don’t. It’s like you laughing at an inside joke between two best buddies.You just don’t want to look uninformed. (or really need friends. You third wheel.).
Let me give you an example.
There’s a feeling I get,
When I look to the west.
And my spirit is crying for leaving.
In my thoughts I have seen
Rings of smoke through the trees
And the voices of those who stand looking.
Explain that. Take your time. I’ll wait. Ok. Done Googling? Here’s what the lines literally mean. ( and by literally I mean English literally not college idiot literally).
There’s a feeling he gets, when he looks to the west. That makes him want to leave. Let’s analyse this. He is either in the east, North or the south. He could be in the West too and could be looking west(er) standing smack in the middle of the west. You have no idea where he is. You know he wants to leave. You don’t know from where to where. Does he want to leave the west? Does he want to leave from where he is and go to the west? Is the ultimate truth of human life only momentary existance? Jon Snow knows more than you do. And he knows nothing. The lines that follow this mystery quest say,
In his thoughts he has seen Rings of smoke through the trees. And the voices of those who stand looking. First things first. You CANNOT look at voices. You hear voices. The word ‘the’ and the word ‘hear’ both have a single syllable. He could have said hear… But he said the. Let’s analyse that now. He sees rings of smoke through the trees. What is the real world… Or the metaphorical situation when that happens? A monkey smoking a cigar in a fancy way maybe? I’m certain he wasnt going for that. If he even was, it makes as makes as much sense as the rest of the song. So be it. Another explination would be a forest fire. But a forest fire dosnt make smoke rings. ( Unless it is fancily smoking a cigar… But that happens very rarely). So what does the line mean? You don’t know what the line means!!! Start paying attention. And about the next part where he says he can see the voices of the people. I think I’ve made my point about it earlier in this very article.
(pictured above. No rings.)
So to some up. Only the writer of the song knows what he is talking about because he is all messed up in his mind. You, almost sane people can only pretend to understand all that nonsense.
Reason 2. The lady.
The lady who thinks all that glitters is gold is a stupid lady. We all know that. I mean some guy is selling her a stairway to heaven! How stupid do you have to be to fall for that. Oh you’re saying that she thinks she can buy her way to heaven? That’s what those lines are about? Well golly. She thinks everything that glitters is gold. ( the guy from twilight included) so she buys a stairway to heaven. That’s like me thinking all Justin Bieber fans are morons and so getting a new laptop. Face it. It’s stupid. So the transaction is complete and she gets into heaven. There she sees all the stores are closed. WHAT THE WHAT? What stores? What would you sell in heaven? Stairways? Wouldn’t that be pointless considering all their potential customers ARE in heaven?cookies? Do they sell cookies in heaven? Do they pay taxes? What the hell is going on. (Yes irony). But the lady, she knows what she wants. She can get it even if the stores are closed. How? Because she thinks all that glitters is gold… Thats how. Let’s look at the metaphorical meaning. What i can salvage out of that garbage pile of words is that the lady thinks she can buy anything. Six words. Six words hidden in thick layers of shit and garbage ooze.
Immediately after those lines, this intellectual analysis (read, more shit) follows.
There’s a sign on the wall
But she wants to be sure
Cause you know sometimes words have two meanings.
In a tree by the brook
There’s a songbird who sings
Sometimes all of our thoughts are misgiven.
Wow.
There’s a sign on the wall. Which wall? The friggin wall. That’s the wall he’s talking about. The wall. The one with the friggin sign.
(pictured above, A well known and relatable wall for ease of undrstanding)
The aforementioned lady now tries to read the sign. But alas. She dosnt know what it means. Why? because some times words have two meanings. Just like real life. When you walk up to a wall and there’s a sign on the wall that says don’t pee here and you still pee on the wall because maybe they ment something else. Because sometimes words have two meanings. Exactly like that. Also there’s a brook nearby. With a tree by its side. With a songbird in it. Which sings about how sometimes all our thoughts are misgiven. The hypothetical bird in the hypothetical tree besides the hypothetical brook in the hypothetical heaven created by a clearly LSD infused mind, sings one lyrical line. And it makes sense. Got to give credit where it’s due.
Reason 3. Ooh it makes me wonder.
Up untill now, I thought all this was imagination. A disconnected haphazard collection of thoughts trying hard to make sense. But then comes the chorus.
Ooh it makes me wonder.
Yes. That’s it. Wonder what?…. Thats right. Good question. Class dismissed.
Reason 4.
Read this shit.
And it’s whispered that soon
If we all call the tune
The piper will lead us to reason.
And a new day will dawn
For those who stand long
And the forests will echo with laughter.
Ok. It is whispered ( conveyed secretively) that soon,if we ( a certain demographic which we shall call demographic A for the sake of simplicity) all call the tune. The piper will lead us ( demographic A) to reason.
(Thats the piper. pretty harmless, righ?)
Now, the piper… The one from the stories is the one calling the tune. So yeah… Inaccuracies in metaphorical exemplification. Moving on, the piper will lead us ( demographic A) to reason. Clear? Ok. What reason? How the shit am I supposed to know!? I could say it’s suicide, or death or something… But I’d not be sure about it. Because sometimes words have two meanings.
A new day will dawn. Ok. For those who stand long ( let’s call these people demographic B. Considering demographic A has already been led to reason. And as we all know you can either be led or stand long. So yeah demographic B) And the forests will echo with laughter.
WHAT? Why? Why would the forests echo with laughter? Are the forests smoking weed and letting out rings of smoke and giggling because they are high? Yes. Probably.
(It echoes because he laughs on the inside.)
Reason 5.
This is exhausting. It really is. But I’m pushing through. Because i have OCD with a dash of ADHD.
If there’s a bustle in your hedgerow, don’t be alarmed now
It’s just a spring clean for the may queen
Yes there are two paths you can go by but in the long run
There’s still time to change the road you’re on
AND IT MAKES ME WONDER.
Your head is humming and it won’t go. In case you don’t know
The piper’s calling you to join him.
Dear lady can you hear the wind blow and did you know
That your stairway lies in the whispering wind.
WAAAIIIIIIIIIIT A MINUTE!!!! She dosnt have the stairway!? Oh so ‘there’ in the initial lines ment the stairway store!? Which metaphorically means the opportunities to get into heaven…HAPPINESS!? and them being closed means rejection!??? It’s starting to make sense!!!! The whisper! The whisper of sweet release from sadness. That’s where the piper’s taking demographic A!!! Suicide!? Ahem… But ya its all making sense to me now! The staircase is the solution… The one way to happiness…. Yes! Oh yes! Finally!!! I know what it means! And… And the wall with the sign is… Umm…well or the smoke rings… The songbird… It must all mean something… I have to go on….I have to.
And as we wind down on the road…
(Yes yes the piper’s leading us… Go on)
Our shadows taller than our soul
(yeah yeah… The sunset…I get it… Go on..)
There walks a lady we all know….
(yeah the lady… I know the lady… )
Who shines white light and wants to show
How everything still turns to gold
( Yes hope… Belief… Faith… acceptance… This is awesome… Go on! Explain the wall, the trees… The sign.. Teach me master!)
And if you listen very hard
The tune will come to you atleast
( damn right it will master… Go on..)
When all are one and one is all
To be a rock and not to roll.
(….huh?)
WHAT!!!???? What the shit does that mean!????we are all one and one is all!???? So we are all… ALL!???WHAT!??? Spiffinshitbombs… To be a rock and not to roll!? How does that fit anywhere? What is he talking about? Why would a rock roll? A round rock might though. But what is the reference.!? Why is that line there? What is the reason for that line to even exist? Why is this song so damn stupid? What is the meaning of life. Why is there a humming In my head that won’t go? What is the meaning of all this!??? Or are there two meanings!???
Ok. Ok… I have to calm down. My brain is about to explode. I need to think about something simple. Something easy. Something equivalent to bran muffins in terms of lyrics. I know. I know what to do. I can undo the curse of ‘stairway to heaven’. Here goes.
You know you love me
I know you care
Just shout whenever
And I’ll be there
You are my love
You are my heart
And we would never
Ever, EVER be apart.
Are we an item?
Girl, quit playing
We are just friends?
What are you saying?
Say there’s another,
And look right in my eyes.
My first love
Broke my heart for the first time. 😦
Baby baby baby oh
Baby baby baby no
Like baby baby baby oh
I thought you’d always be mine.
Aaaahhhh much much better.
Also, I accept hate in the form of hard cash. Do oblige.
And untill the next time…. Keep looking at the voices of the people.
